Blog Challenge: Blogging like No one is reading
The story of a young mum who turned old in a day. How did I deal (or didn’t) with my kid’s cancer?
Last week I turned 37. I don’t feel young. I don’t feel old. I just don’t know how I feel. I remember my 30 ‘s birthday party. At that time I already felt somewhere lost in the vortex of time and age. I was 30 and my baby girl was bald. She was bald from chimio.
I was 27 when I had my first kid, the beautiful brunette you can see on the pictures on the blog. She was 20 months when they discovered she suffered from kidney cancer. I’ll skip the whole medical details and focus on me. How did I recover from that ordeal?
I had to forget about myself, about my couple, about everything for one fucking year. That was the high crisis year: full of medical details that I should probably tell about to the readers that are not reading, hum?
After this year, I didn’t feel the same. I’ve never felt the same again. I was changed. Completly. Of course I suffered of anxiety, anger and so on… but mostly and that remains now… it changed my vision on life!
After 7 years now, I can look at this time and think, observe myself… At first I was in the urge to LIVE. Having a lot of parties and wine to celebrate life, to celebrate the end of chimio, to celebrate and try to forget. Then I felt exhausted. I looked around to see that a lot of friends and family weren’t able to support us. So I felt sad and lonely. And maybe a little bit angry also… ok ok there was a lot of anger!!!
It was so hard to manage with this question: how to live this life if it can be taken from us so young? I had very strange thoughts… Like I was trying to prepare myself for the worst: death. I was making scenarios in my private little crazy running mind. « What if husband dies? What will I do? Ok first I sell the house, second I change city. I would put all his stuff there and give those precious memories to his family…. » And so on.
And I did the same scenario for my baby girl of course and for myself and my parents…
Ahhhh my crazy never stopping mind!
Finally the non readers that you are will surely ask about what helped me?
Time I think, a lot of time I needed. (Sorry about the Yoda speaking)
The medical stuff that I will surely share one day got lighter, and lighter and finally almost stopped. The anxiety followed the same path. But didn’t totally stopped of course.
It was pretty hard for us as a couple, to have another child. It was not a medical issue but a psychological issue. We were so afraid to « build » another sick child. Of course it’s stupid and not at all scientific! We knew that. But sometimes the crazy thoughts are stronger than the realistic ones. Time helped and therapy helped and a lot of other things that we both as parents went through, dessicated, digested. And one day, gingerboy came to our family.
Our kids are now 9 and 4, they are healthy, they have their own ups and downs, nothing linked with cancer but just normal life. They have parents who feel like they lived several lifes in one life. We feel connected with older people who have older children or with people who went through hard time in their lifes. Because when we party as this saturday for husband 40’s birthday party, sometimes, we can have a shadow thought coming around us. Usually it will fly away very quickly and sometimes not. We are not innocent anymore. We have to deal with those shadows. Our ghosts.
Thanks for my non readers to not have read this. I knew I needed to write about this from a long time. This blog exchange group and challenge helped me. And hey husband! If you are passing by and reading this please leave a comment to share your own words. Even in French!